Hello I am 30 something not 16..

where do i start??? i just semi-caught up with a friend and mark her up as still being in high school. she even admitted that she liked the high school drama and so on. my question is why???? i am 30-something and happily married (for the most part) with a baby and dog. I enjoy my time watching tv, playing with my son and/or my dog, and so on.

i was talking to her and she mentioned another mutual friend that she really hasn't talked to in awhile because she felt like the friendship was one sided. that she would listen to JJ's problems and whatever was going on with her. But then when C would talk about hers JJ would say i have to go. So I mentioned that i can understand because i just lost a friend for something similar. i don't need to deal with that 'high school' drama. she made a comment back to me that she liked high school drama and felt like a 16 year old. so as we talk some more all i could think about is... C hasn't changed really and do i want this in my life? i don't need anymore friends than i already have. the ones that i have mean the world to me and when i talk or spend time with you it's because i want to. i am taking time away from spending with my son to hang out with you. is she worth that? and the other thing in my head is that why would anyone want to re-live high school??? not that i regret anything but i never want to go through it.

New beginnings.. and my goals for the year

2 things i am grateful for....

1. For A taking the time to hang out and show me all the new things he has done to remodel his home. And for going out to dinner with me.

2. For my mom and sister - i love how they come over every thursdays... it's supposed to be where D and i can either do something together or separate.

I still don't have all my goals figured out:

1. I need to learn to just listen.... I need to learn to listen and not give unwanted advice. i am going to try and just not say anything unless asked what do i think... bite my tongue.

2. Appreciate all that i have and get out of the 'give mes'

3. Try and see friends more..

4. try to work out at least 3 times a week.

5. try to stick to my budget... i need to make a new one with M going to a new daycare and added amount.

6. Try to go on a family trip this year - need to make yearly ones.

7. Be nicer to D - I am so bad. I yell way too much at him when he tries so hard to make me happy.

8. Every night write down two things that i appreciate for the day.

9. Take 10 mins for myself every day..

10. Start reading again - 1 book a year..

11. Keep our home clean and redecorate the place to be what i really want.... But on a budget - need to watch design on a dime more.

12. Learn to just 'be'.... Relax, breathe and take everything in.

13. Get to know myself..... Learn what makes me really happy.

14.

15.

16.

17.

.......

I think that's enough for now.

Goodbye friend

since i am no longer talking to a friend i just feel the need to write to her.. but can't so here goes.

goodbye L - it was great while we were in tune with each other.. and i loved how we were always there for one another. and that we didn't need to say much to know how each other felt. i loved how we LOVED the same foods so when we'd go out it was so easy and we'd share food to get twice as much. ;-P or i knew i could order that mussel/clam pasta because you wouldn't let the stuff i didn't like go to waste. i loved spending endless hours on your couch watching tv and our breaks to either go to the bathroom (me down stairs and you in your bathroom) or to cook lunch/dinner... but knew when to fast forward the whatever parts so that we could get to the good stuff. :-D i loved that it was just easy with you. i loved how we could talk about anything!! you know what i mean - anything and EVERYTHING.. i loved how we used to drive to sb and my wedding/birthday present at the spa place that you researched and found for us. and knew it was exactly what i needed while planning my wedding.

i am sorry that our friendship fell apart over a boy. i am sorry that i realized things about you i never saw or choose to over look because you in my eyes were my sister. i forgave you a lot for little effort on your side to show that you were sorry. meanwhile S would try so hard but i just pushed that aside for you. i am sorry that you were trying to pretend things were okay with us this past year when they were only getting worse. i am sorry that you felt you could put little effort in our friendship when i tried EVERYTHING to mend for the past two years. even to the point of trying to work it out with your husband on my own because i felt nothing was getting to him.

but most importantly i am sad that we have come to where we are today. that i can care less that you are in my life. your little to no efforts just shows what kind of person you are. for me when someone says that things are not right between us and if i want to continue to be friends with them as you said.. i would fight for the friendship. i would call even if it's uncomfortable to see how the person is doing... i would call to get together for coffee.. i would try to celebrate your birthday with you. even if i wasn't here and back from vacation a month after. i would send emails to you to let you know i was thinking of you.. i would text you more. but you aren't me and by you not fighting just shows where we are. and that you are not a person to prove yourself further than words.. it's just all words coming out of your A$$... you have no actions to back up what you say. and of all people i would have expected more when you were the 'talk is talk - actions speak louder than words' person.

i will miss you once in awhile.. i will be watching something and want to call you but won't. i will eat something and most likely think of you. i won't lie and say that there will be some days that i do and will miss you. but we aren't teenagers anymore and definitely out of high school where i don't need drama. so for now goodbye. it was great while it was good. and i am just sorry that we have come to where we are. but you made your bed and you must lie in it. hope it was all worth it for you and that you got all that you wanted. because L i sure never wished this on us. and would never thought we'd be where we are today.

i just hope one day you'll see it through my eyes and know how much you've hurt me. and say sorry for the way things turned out.. and instead of you thinking can i forgive you and let go of the whole Michael thing.. that you'll say i am sorry how do you feel now after all that and sorry for not thinking of you when that all went down.

so goodbye L... too little too LATE.

The blahs...

lately i have been feeling grouchy and blah... i have been trying to figure out why?? maybe it's because i don't feel like i have a home... i stay at my mom's for half the week and the other i am 'home'... or is it that i feel that D is trying to understand what i am going through but can't fully since he gets to go home every night to our bed and wake up when he pleases or to his alarm. for the last 6 months i haven't had to set an alarm because the boss is constant on waking me up. i can't remember the last time i just woke up on my own. or i am feeling this way because the house feels messy to my standards but i am just exhausted from the week to clean up..??? and i just want to watch all my recorded shows and zone out on the bed. but the dirty bathrooms, messy pantry, cluttered kitchen and what the heck happened to our office/guest room is begging me to clean up. let alone me wishing i could spend the day doing whatever whenever on myself. and at the same time i know i will be wishing i could be with the boss and just cuddle with him watching a movie or exploring the world outside together.

how can i learn to balance work, family, time for myself and cleaning all at the same time? how can i feel better about life? i just feel that i should be contributing to the world. i don't feel that i am touching people that i have met, will meet or have in my life.. where they can smile when thinking about me. i feel the need to be a better person but how can i if i am in my 'blah' mood???? how the heck do i get out of this funk..

i also realize i am back into i need more and the latest thing. when i can't appreciate what i do have. i mean i am lucky because i still have my job. have a nice home. love my family - even with all the issues we all have. everyone for the most part are all healthy.

so here is what i am thinking...

1. need to work on making my home a home.. not a dorm room or a place that we are just there for the mean time.

2. try to be more helpful at work. understand that when people come to me for a question or help it's cuz they don't know how to do it. or that they have so much on their minds that they just need help. (it is my job)

3. not feel guilty that when i am home to relax when i am there and not feel i need to CLEAN!!

Wed - watch tv, wash clothes, put away and relax
thu - clean the bathrooms
fri - enjoy my family
sat - finish what i didn't do after putting mason to bed.

4. clean the office before the new year. i will just have to work something out with rei rei.. have her watch/play with mason while i clean the office.

5. make it a point to go out on dates with dave 1-2 times a month where it's just us..

6. try to be a better friend to sharon but hope she understands that i am not home everyday like her so i need time to just be. but make it a point to see her and just catch up. she is a great friend actually more than a friend a sister. and i love her and just want to do all i can to make her happy.

7. start living on a real budget! try to pay off my cc and save...

8. try to see more of my friends and balance that with time for myself.

9. each day i need to do 3 self-less acts of kindness... i used to do this with tigger but i need to start again.

more will be added to this list but i am starting to feel better already.. i LOVE my to do lists.. and it helps put things in perspective.

30 months..

I can't believe my little guy is 30 months old. Okay I don't normally write how many months he is since he turned 2.. I just say he's 2. But this kid has both positive and negative traits of D and I. He is strong minded, kind, loving, knows what he wants and when, and wakes up early. He knows that with daddy he gets whatever he wants and mommy is the 'mean' one. He is at a stage where he can have a real conversation with you. Not just yes and no. But real conversations! Okay maybe only 3 minutes at a time but that's better than nothing before he changes the subject.

Having a baby really does change you for the better. He makes me want to be the best mommy i can and sister, friend, wife and daughter.

Inspiring Picture

My brother in law sent me a really nice email along with this picture.. :-D It just made my day seeing this picture just relaxed me. I decided to use it as my screen saver so that i can remember to relax and take in the day and remember what my husband told me.

D used to be so much more relaxed when we meet up until maybe our son was born. But he told me about stuff going on at work and I said doesn't it bother you? He said no and 'why stress over things that you can't control'? So I am trying to take this on. When stuff happens and I am really annoyed I say why stress it's out of my control. And I actually feel better. I guess D can still teach me things.. After being together off and on for 9 years, 4 years of staying together to almost 5 years of marriage. He still surprises me and we still can have a great time together. So thanks D for helping put things into perspective.

What a friend..

Do you have a friend that just is so kind hearted.. that wouldn't hurt a fly? She is the one that is really good at keeping in contact? Well I do? And it is rare for me to have found a friend through work... B is really good at making sure to keep in contact with everyone.. Whether they are still working at the same company... on maternity leave or even with her on maternity leave.. And she makes motherhood look so easy. I know when i was on my leave i probably looked like a crazy lady but she looks great and put together - still. :-D I miss her like crazy cuz we used to either walk or go out to eat lunch together. try for at least once a week or so. And as luck would have it we finally work in the same building.

She is one person who doesn't judge me for all my craziness that i bring to the friendship.. From complaining about friends or family.. to just weird things that i have about me. She just let's things 'roll' off of her. There are a couple times i have seen her irritated so i don't feel like i am the only one with issues. but overall she just amazes me.

i hope to be 1/2 as relaxed as she is one day.

What a s&*tty present

Do you have a friend that re-gifts? Yes guilty as charged.. but at least when i do it it's to people outside of the circle that i get it from. ;-P So I am not wasting what was given to me - i don't have a use for it but someone else may... But I rather receive a gift because someone thinks i may want it even if they don't than this...

so the other day S and I went to Nordstroms to see if she could exchange her perfume that we got from a friend.... and found out that it was part of a gift set.. so now we find out that the one friend put no thought whatsoever into what to buy us (because it was the basically the same gift) but she bought the set for herself and gave us the scents she didn't want!!

i guess when you aren't happy with someone you see all the negatives in them more so then when you are okay with them.

can you say CRAP gift???

Repeat offender - strikes again...

WHY?? why must I tell you for the 20th time what you do and you sound surprised or like it's new.. at least do me the favor and say thanks for repeating that or i know i remember from the last time you said something... COME ON!!!

I honestly don't see this friendship lasting much longer.. Basically just waiting to see when she'll say forget it.

Baby here.. Baby there

Yes it seems that people are getting pregnant or are pregnant around me. So now I have the baby bug. I have been bite and would love to have a second.. Now if only I could get D on board.. ;-P

The Boss' 2nd Bday!!

Yes you read right.. My little man just turned two today. Time sure flies when you are having fun.. ;-P He is getting to be such a toddler. He now is into saying 'NO' and pointing his finger at you. Or 'cheers'. Just his 'i wuv you.... mommy' melts my heart. Or when I pick him up from daycare and he runs to me and gives me a big hug! Just makes all the bad in the world or day disappear and makes you smile. The feel the hope in the world.

Repeat offender

Do you have a friend that you have the same issue come up over and over? Well I have a friend like that in my life. Hoping that things will change and she'll learn. So for the 5th time in 2 years I have once again told her the issues that are bothering me between our friendship... Now mind you I didn't even get into all the things bothering me just mentioned a few. She made it seem like it's all new and that she'll just have to prove herself. Well I have learned that I am not going to expect anything and have lowered my expectations. I also have been working on not thinking this person as a close friend and that is helping me out also. My friend S has been helping me with this - not to say that I haven't vented. But we've all known each other for so long and have history together that I am not going to just throw the friendship away. Just learning that people grow apart and that's okay. The thing that's hard is that she took it as we 'love' her that much to feel this way.. No you are messing up lady and need to prove that you are a good friend. I just feel that she takes things in differently and not for what we are saying.. So how long can a person take this?

Thanks M

The other day I was watching Brothers and Sisters with my mom. And for this episode a character had a miscarriage. I then realized that I was really lucky to overall have a easy pregnancy and healthy baby. Which also made me realize how much love, joy and laughter that M has brought to our lives.. There are of course some days where I just want to pull my hair out but overall it's been great.

I then also realized that there are people in this world that go through this and I felt so bad. Or even to the people that have a hard time conceiving. My heart goes out to all those couples that have to travel this path.

Then I also think about all those parents out there that can get pregnant with no issues! And can't afford to provide all that they should to their children or people who abuse their children. That makes me so mad that there are people out there like that.

FINALLY!!! Mr. and Mrs. H

This past weekend was the wedding of the YEAR!! one of my closest and dearest friend S just got married to j!! we have been planning and preparing for this day since for a year! it was by far one of the nicest weddings that I have attended and helped out. I was a little worried that she was going to have a nervous breakdown but S did a wonderful job on everything.. From looking so beautiful in her wedding dress and having her hair done to her elegant but cozy wedding reception! She planned everything so well with D. She couldn't have picked a better father to marry her and J. He was great! He made it fun yet special during her ceremony (Which reminded me of mine). To having made sure that the bridesmaids' bouquets were beautiful yet simple all at the same time. To making us all feel special. They made sure to spend time with all the guests to thank them for coming. Which I find VERY important. And at the same time having a great time themselves. But most important the food was yummy! I was really happy that I was able to eat some food, enjoy myself, and make sure that the reception ran smoothly with D. She was a JOY to work with. I even made us way ahead of schedule without making the bride or groom feel rushed! :-D It was by far a really nice wedding. I just hope that S felt that I was honestly there for her because I was also her matron of honor.

Although I won't lie there were some hiccups.. For instance our wonderful friend's husband M not following directions well and then handing off his duty to the DJ!! First off he made himself feel that he was such an 'important' part of the wedding.. So first off he didn't mention TWO of the names on the list of families that were on the brides' side.. umm it's written you dumb A@S!! How could you forget and you had S read off all the names to you so that you'd be able to pronounce it!! BTW, he recorded her saying it too.. yeah smooth move buddy.. And it's just funny because he has been practicing and everything!! Yeah you are a great MC - remind me to ask you to speak at a function I throw - NOT... To announcing things that aren't supposed to yet.. smooth like butter. This all from a man whom 'claims' to be a professional Opera Singer.. Which for as long as I have know him (a whole two years and then some) hasn't had a job. And is now a teacher. sorry it's just hard to like someone whom always doesn't things to annoy the heck out of me. Oh and yeah the day before at the rehearsal to make him feel special.. He arrives late at S and J's rehearsal dinner and has L introduce him to everyone.. ummm just sit your A@S down it's not your day.. You'll meet them when you meet them. Sorry just need to get that off my chest.

Me no longer..

So yesterday after 4.5 weeks is me no longer.. My cast was taken off and I am now only wearing an ankle brace!! For the first time since then can I keep up with M walking down the hallway. Since I have had this cast put on my son started walking fast/running down the hall. So he would usually get mad at me for not keeping up. :-D but yesterday that ended! We now can walk down together. That makes us both happy.. It's so funny how little things can make me so happy. He is teaching me that I need to be an example. Because he is starting to copy us. And trying to talk more and more with actual words. :-D

For instance he is going through this phase of biting people. IF I point my finger at him and tell him no he'll try and bit the closest thing. We found it funny and I would nibble on his finger, leg or tummy to make him laugh. Well that's ended on Monday when I found out he bit another child at daycare! So now we are not doing anything that would be bad so he won't do it. How do you discipline a almost 16 month old?? and to make it a way where he understands.. We try to put on time out.. But the kid will try and get up or hit me. Of course as this is happening I am saying hitting is bad. No doing that and tell him to say sorry. But how do you really teach right from wrong? I have been thinking about this since Monday and will be doing some research as to what the 'experts' have to say..

Grandma.. new outlook..

well a couple weeks ago i was talking to my grandma about my SIL and how she is not responsible for her kids. so she says she is 'laxed'... and i say 'irresponsible'.. so after awhile D chimes in and says that he wants to be laxed. and she said oh no you are too responsible. hehehehe made me think that i like the way she thinks. i need to try and be nicer and more positive about things. life is way too short. and we are all have our own points of view of how we want to raise our children. Grandma just made me realize that she sees the same thing but when you say it differently it doesn't 'seem' so bad. also she is my grandma and she can't be mean to anyone...

work in progress...

it's so hard to try and become a better person or even be the better person...

for instance on sunday i found out that my father visited my brother and SIL in the hospital when she gave birth to their 2nd set of twins. well he didn't even visit me - his own daughter. that hurt my feelings a little but what can i do?? if i say anything he'll just come up with some excuss on why he wasn't there. what is that saying - you can't teach an old man new tricks.. or change the way he is or what comes out of his mouth. it's so hard to be the better person with him. but know that it's not me. so i have made a decision that i really need to practice what i preach. so when it comes to my dad i need to say it's not me. i know that i try to do good, thoughtful and nice. it's just that we don't see eye to eye. and that's okay because we can't always get along or agree. he is the way he is and that's that. i just have to work on how i react to what decisions he makes. try and not let it hurt me and just say it's his fault for not taking the time to get to know me and it's not my problem he is an A$$ sometimes. i don't have to life with him anymore. in one ear and out the other.

another person we'll call her T is someone where there was a conflict a couple years ago. when i went to L's wedding I told her that i will be nice and that it was 2 years ago. i don't hold anything against her or dislike her. it was so long ago and that i am over it. so at L's wedding i see T and say 'Hi' to her and her new husband. He said hi and smiled. I get a mumbled hi and no look and smile. i was a little annoyed and thought how could someone have this person as a friend? but now i just feel sorry for her. i feel bad that she is still immature and holds what happened two years ago still against me. that she isn't over it. that she can't move past it. what happened to being mature and letting little things go? sometimes i wonder if i should just go up to her and say something the next time i see her because honestly - it takes more energy to dislike someone than just be nice.

so i will work on being nice to everyone.. there's always a reason for why someone is in a bad mood and not happy. it's not my job to make you happy or a better person. but at least know that i was nice and helpful is enough for me.

I really would like to feel that if I have come across your path/journey in life that I have helped change it for the better. That I brought a smile to your life/face. I was a positive influence and that I helped make it better. That when you think of me that a smile appears.

WHY????

Why is it that either you are TOO fat or TOO skinny and need to eat more with asian parents/family???

Honestly when I met my DH he was the biggest F.O.B. and skinny boy I ever saw. Granted I was only 18 and just out of highschool. But still - he was a skinny boy. And over the years he has learned how to work out so that he bulks up instead of just staying small. He to me now if PERFECT! I couldn't ask for a nicer looking husband. He is trying to work out again. But no thanks to his family they tell him that he is FAT. Of course he maybe fat if you are refering to how he used to be over 10 years ago. I don't want a stick for a husband. But then again his mom complains that our son is small and not eating enough. And giving us unsolicated advice. Why can't more traditional asian families give you compliments instead of insults?

I honestly haven't heard anything positive from his mom since we got engaged.. It started with my engagement diamond was a tiny thing to why aren't you giving me more grandchildren. You need to have 3 babies since I had three.. ummm lady we are in 2007 we think about what we can afford not how many children can i have.

I am now trying to learn the 'in one ear and out the other'. Since I can not speak up for myself and my husband doesn't for our son or me. There isn't anything else I can do that won't seem disrespectful. So this is what I have to do. But let me tell you it's hard to bit my tongue when I am the one who always expresses myself. So I guess I will have to learn to use the I am looking at you but not listening. The only way to get my feelings not hurt.

Little Man's first Birthday

Well I can't believe that my little guy is going to be one! So much has been going on in just a year. Planning his 1st birthday since he was 6 months old.. I just have to write down my thoughts about what I want to do..

As for him and what he has accomplished in just almost shy of being 11 months is amazing to say the least.. The first three months of 'hell' - or the beginnings of parenthood. Although I shouldn't complain too much we are very lucky with the little guy... After 3 months he just started to show more of his personality. Well he started sleeping though the night!! 3-6 months he just was soaking in the world.. Didn't like tummy time too much preferred to be in his stroller going for walks. Started to sit up by himself and see the world in a new light. Starting at 6 months he could somewhat 'play' by himself. we just had to put a bunch of toys around him on a blanket. Somewhere between then and now he has gotten 8 teeth.. Four on the top and four on the bottom. At 8 months daddy taught him to play basketball.. 9 months daddy taught him to pass it back and forth. 9 months he was pulling himself up... around 10 months he started 'cruising' around the couches. And at 6 months we started giving him solids... Now he loves people food but still eats the baby food. He is a chip off of the old man. He is a great mix of D and I. But of course everyone says that he looks like D. And that brings a cute little smile to his face so we'll leave it at that.

Well off to do some work and plan out my little man's birthday.. And thanks to some great girls I met from WC and LJ I can 'borrow/use' their great ideas mixed with what I want to do..

Buyers remorse

I am regreting getting the Pilot.. It's just so big and having to gas up at least twice a week and being about $32-40 bucks each time is too much!! I guess i was just going along with what D wanting.. And not what I truly wanted.. I wanted a new accord or CRV.. Even a used CRV or accord. Those would have been perfect for me. I get sad every time i see one and wish I would have just done what I wanted. I even tried looking at the dealership when we were there but D insisted that he talk to the sales person about the pilot.

I hope that this will pass with time and that it's just for now and that I will really like this SUV. But for now I regret buying such a big car that drinks gas like there's no tomorrow.