The blahs...

lately i have been feeling grouchy and blah... i have been trying to figure out why?? maybe it's because i don't feel like i have a home... i stay at my mom's for half the week and the other i am 'home'... or is it that i feel that D is trying to understand what i am going through but can't fully since he gets to go home every night to our bed and wake up when he pleases or to his alarm. for the last 6 months i haven't had to set an alarm because the boss is constant on waking me up. i can't remember the last time i just woke up on my own. or i am feeling this way because the house feels messy to my standards but i am just exhausted from the week to clean up..??? and i just want to watch all my recorded shows and zone out on the bed. but the dirty bathrooms, messy pantry, cluttered kitchen and what the heck happened to our office/guest room is begging me to clean up. let alone me wishing i could spend the day doing whatever whenever on myself. and at the same time i know i will be wishing i could be with the boss and just cuddle with him watching a movie or exploring the world outside together.

how can i learn to balance work, family, time for myself and cleaning all at the same time? how can i feel better about life? i just feel that i should be contributing to the world. i don't feel that i am touching people that i have met, will meet or have in my life.. where they can smile when thinking about me. i feel the need to be a better person but how can i if i am in my 'blah' mood???? how the heck do i get out of this funk..

i also realize i am back into i need more and the latest thing. when i can't appreciate what i do have. i mean i am lucky because i still have my job. have a nice home. love my family - even with all the issues we all have. everyone for the most part are all healthy.

so here is what i am thinking...

1. need to work on making my home a home.. not a dorm room or a place that we are just there for the mean time.

2. try to be more helpful at work. understand that when people come to me for a question or help it's cuz they don't know how to do it. or that they have so much on their minds that they just need help. (it is my job)

3. not feel guilty that when i am home to relax when i am there and not feel i need to CLEAN!!

Wed - watch tv, wash clothes, put away and relax
thu - clean the bathrooms
fri - enjoy my family
sat - finish what i didn't do after putting mason to bed.

4. clean the office before the new year. i will just have to work something out with rei rei.. have her watch/play with mason while i clean the office.

5. make it a point to go out on dates with dave 1-2 times a month where it's just us..

6. try to be a better friend to sharon but hope she understands that i am not home everyday like her so i need time to just be. but make it a point to see her and just catch up. she is a great friend actually more than a friend a sister. and i love her and just want to do all i can to make her happy.

7. start living on a real budget! try to pay off my cc and save...

8. try to see more of my friends and balance that with time for myself.

9. each day i need to do 3 self-less acts of kindness... i used to do this with tigger but i need to start again.

more will be added to this list but i am starting to feel better already.. i LOVE my to do lists.. and it helps put things in perspective.