Goodbye friend

since i am no longer talking to a friend i just feel the need to write to her.. but can't so here goes.

goodbye L - it was great while we were in tune with each other.. and i loved how we were always there for one another. and that we didn't need to say much to know how each other felt. i loved how we LOVED the same foods so when we'd go out it was so easy and we'd share food to get twice as much. ;-P or i knew i could order that mussel/clam pasta because you wouldn't let the stuff i didn't like go to waste. i loved spending endless hours on your couch watching tv and our breaks to either go to the bathroom (me down stairs and you in your bathroom) or to cook lunch/dinner... but knew when to fast forward the whatever parts so that we could get to the good stuff. :-D i loved that it was just easy with you. i loved how we could talk about anything!! you know what i mean - anything and EVERYTHING.. i loved how we used to drive to sb and my wedding/birthday present at the spa place that you researched and found for us. and knew it was exactly what i needed while planning my wedding.

i am sorry that our friendship fell apart over a boy. i am sorry that i realized things about you i never saw or choose to over look because you in my eyes were my sister. i forgave you a lot for little effort on your side to show that you were sorry. meanwhile S would try so hard but i just pushed that aside for you. i am sorry that you were trying to pretend things were okay with us this past year when they were only getting worse. i am sorry that you felt you could put little effort in our friendship when i tried EVERYTHING to mend for the past two years. even to the point of trying to work it out with your husband on my own because i felt nothing was getting to him.

but most importantly i am sad that we have come to where we are today. that i can care less that you are in my life. your little to no efforts just shows what kind of person you are. for me when someone says that things are not right between us and if i want to continue to be friends with them as you said.. i would fight for the friendship. i would call even if it's uncomfortable to see how the person is doing... i would call to get together for coffee.. i would try to celebrate your birthday with you. even if i wasn't here and back from vacation a month after. i would send emails to you to let you know i was thinking of you.. i would text you more. but you aren't me and by you not fighting just shows where we are. and that you are not a person to prove yourself further than words.. it's just all words coming out of your A$$... you have no actions to back up what you say. and of all people i would have expected more when you were the 'talk is talk - actions speak louder than words' person.

i will miss you once in awhile.. i will be watching something and want to call you but won't. i will eat something and most likely think of you. i won't lie and say that there will be some days that i do and will miss you. but we aren't teenagers anymore and definitely out of high school where i don't need drama. so for now goodbye. it was great while it was good. and i am just sorry that we have come to where we are. but you made your bed and you must lie in it. hope it was all worth it for you and that you got all that you wanted. because L i sure never wished this on us. and would never thought we'd be where we are today.

i just hope one day you'll see it through my eyes and know how much you've hurt me. and say sorry for the way things turned out.. and instead of you thinking can i forgive you and let go of the whole Michael thing.. that you'll say i am sorry how do you feel now after all that and sorry for not thinking of you when that all went down.

so goodbye L... too little too LATE.

The blahs...

lately i have been feeling grouchy and blah... i have been trying to figure out why?? maybe it's because i don't feel like i have a home... i stay at my mom's for half the week and the other i am 'home'... or is it that i feel that D is trying to understand what i am going through but can't fully since he gets to go home every night to our bed and wake up when he pleases or to his alarm. for the last 6 months i haven't had to set an alarm because the boss is constant on waking me up. i can't remember the last time i just woke up on my own. or i am feeling this way because the house feels messy to my standards but i am just exhausted from the week to clean up..??? and i just want to watch all my recorded shows and zone out on the bed. but the dirty bathrooms, messy pantry, cluttered kitchen and what the heck happened to our office/guest room is begging me to clean up. let alone me wishing i could spend the day doing whatever whenever on myself. and at the same time i know i will be wishing i could be with the boss and just cuddle with him watching a movie or exploring the world outside together.

how can i learn to balance work, family, time for myself and cleaning all at the same time? how can i feel better about life? i just feel that i should be contributing to the world. i don't feel that i am touching people that i have met, will meet or have in my life.. where they can smile when thinking about me. i feel the need to be a better person but how can i if i am in my 'blah' mood???? how the heck do i get out of this funk..

i also realize i am back into i need more and the latest thing. when i can't appreciate what i do have. i mean i am lucky because i still have my job. have a nice home. love my family - even with all the issues we all have. everyone for the most part are all healthy.

so here is what i am thinking...

1. need to work on making my home a home.. not a dorm room or a place that we are just there for the mean time.

2. try to be more helpful at work. understand that when people come to me for a question or help it's cuz they don't know how to do it. or that they have so much on their minds that they just need help. (it is my job)

3. not feel guilty that when i am home to relax when i am there and not feel i need to CLEAN!!

Wed - watch tv, wash clothes, put away and relax
thu - clean the bathrooms
fri - enjoy my family
sat - finish what i didn't do after putting mason to bed.

4. clean the office before the new year. i will just have to work something out with rei rei.. have her watch/play with mason while i clean the office.

5. make it a point to go out on dates with dave 1-2 times a month where it's just us..

6. try to be a better friend to sharon but hope she understands that i am not home everyday like her so i need time to just be. but make it a point to see her and just catch up. she is a great friend actually more than a friend a sister. and i love her and just want to do all i can to make her happy.

7. start living on a real budget! try to pay off my cc and save...

8. try to see more of my friends and balance that with time for myself.

9. each day i need to do 3 self-less acts of kindness... i used to do this with tigger but i need to start again.

more will be added to this list but i am starting to feel better already.. i LOVE my to do lists.. and it helps put things in perspective.