Disneyland and 'Breathing'....

We just went to LA for the weekend... And made sure we visited Disneyland with my entire family... So we are a group of about 13-14 people with ages ranging from 11 months - 58 years old. This is by far the funniest time I have had.. I think it's because M is 3 years old and can really enjoy his time there. And the weather was perfect! Not too hot (unless you are out in the sun for a long amount of time) with a nice breeze. Just watching how excited he'd get over each ride and the anticipation for the wait to get on..

M amazes me and makes 'breathe'! meaning that i take life in and look at everything. he had a lot of questions and i just realized that i am always in a rush.. rush to get out of the house to get through the day and so on. it's so hard to just enjoy the moment. but he reminds me to do this everyday of our lives together. i shouldn't take advantage that i am able to walk, talk or see.

so today i will take the day in.. or at least moments of the day. :-D rome wasn't built in a day right?

Please ASK me.. Don't assume..

I hate it when people just assume that i will just 'go with the flow' and do whatever they want. i am my own person and have thoughts.

i feel that the admins that i work with we aren't a team... and our team leader isn't a leader or protector. it makes me sad that it's a dog eat dog place..

Hello Sunshine

This week by far has been the best weather! The sun is shining with a little breeze to keep me cool. I love it when the sun is out but if you were to stand in the shade it's cool. I hope that Thursday is nice because I would love to go swimming with M when we get home. Thursdays - Saturdays are days that I normally do not have to worry about cooking. So I can enjoy my time with M. We can play, explore or just hang out.

To forgive...

I just read an article that it is healthy for you to forgive a person that has hurt you. Now by this you don't have to have this/these people back in your life but just forgive them.

WHAT??? is my reaction how do you forgive someone if you don't feel like they understand or truly feel sorry for making you feel the way they did. How do you forgive them? Where do I start to forgive???

Obviously I am referring to L. If this is true then I really need to find a way to forgive her. another thing to work on and one that i will need to get back to because i have no idea where to start.

the O's...

Why can't we pick our parents and extended family??? I am constantly getting annoyed by my father and his side of the family. I understand that he feels sad/depressed that his children don't visit but it's so hard to when you make one of us feel left out.

I am throwing my son his 3rd birthday party and I really didn't want to but he asked if I was. And so i decided since we are taking him to disneyland for his bday that I will keep it small. Just invite my father, step-mom, obachan (grandmother), uncle, aunt and two cousins.. and of course my sister her family and bro and his. But my little man invited my mom so I then invited my other grandparents, uncle and step grandmother. Now keep in mind that I did this whole thing so that M can celebrate with my grandpa and his side of the family. And that this party was only for two hours from 2:00-4:00pm. And my obachan said that she would go if my uncle goes when i called to make sure she was free. over a month ago I sent a 'save the date' evite and my two cousins said that they could not make it. my step mother said that she and dad were 'free for now'. and I sent invitations out last week and my aunt finally replied but to my 'save the date' evite instead of calling or emailing me like my invitations said to do. Do you see where I am going with this? I don't understand that side of the family.. it's just sad that they will never know mason. they won't know that he is such a great child. how affectionate he is or how smart he can be. or that he is constantly wanting to make me laugh.

Okay so i promised myself that i will be more positive so let's see how do i spin this to be more positive?????

well he will have a party and yeah we'll see the same people the next week and celebrate all May Bdays.. but that's okay i am giving his own special time to celebrate him turning 3. which you only turn 3 once. ;-P he'll see how much he is loved by family that can make time for him. And if it's nice we'll turn it to a swimming party.

Workout blahs..

how the heck do people do it everyday let alone more than 5 times a week.. let alone how do you make the time to work out. i am struggling to stick to my at least three times a week.. but the only time that i have is during my lunch time. because before work i need to get myself and mason ready for work and daycare. i barely have time to get myself ready - i am sure my co-workers think WTF is wrong with our admin? she doesn't dress to impress and i really want to dress cute and style my hair.. let alone have the time to put make up on. but where do i start??? therefore why i made the decision to work out at least three times a week. i am hoping by working out that i get back into shape. i know i also need to eat better which i am trying. so far what seems to work is after putting mason to bed.. clean the house or stay and hang out in my room. this way i am not near the kitchen and won't think about what snacks to eat. and i want to see friends for lunch to stay connected. so i owe it to myself to get back into shape.

after writing this post it is reminding me why i need to stick to working out as little as i have promised.

Tales of Potty training and fighting...

It has been an uphill battle to potty train this kid. M is so much like D and myself... So with M like me I need to make him feel it's his decision and choice to go to the bathroom. Not me telling him to do it. in the beginning around 17 months he wanted to use the potty and was happy with just a dance or clapping. So we decided to just put him in pull ups during the day and night time use diapers.. Now he is almost at 34 months... When we started the new daycare at 32 months we went to UNDERWEAR!! I was so nervous and never thought that my son would have more than me.. but we needed spares and ones that we didn't care if we threw out.. so after countless wet and soiled underwear/pants cleaning he is getting it.. (crossing fingers)

He is now telling us that he needs to go and we only tell him to go when we go out or before eating a meal. Now we need to train him to go on his own but I have learned these important items with my son:

1. DO NOT pressure him.
2. Do not punish him for making a mistake. Just say it's okay accidents happen. Let's clean up and maybe next time you'll make it to the bathroom.
3. Do a happy potty dance for when he goes and when he is still dry in his underwear.
4. End of day rewards.. Weather it be frozen yogurt, ice cream or just a dinner with the two of us.. Just to show how proud i am of him.
5. Every other day or so take him to toys r us and let him pick his prize.

He is a smart baby and catches on.... He knows how to work his mommy and daddy.

Fighting:
D and I need to work on not arguing so much in front of M. I see that it affects him more than anything. I feel so bad because he woke up so many times last night. Now if only I can get D to be on board that I am ALWAYS right train.. ;-P In all serious-ness I will work on not being so hard on D. He does do a lot for our family.

Daddy's Boy

You hear when you have a son that he'll be a mommy's boy. Well not with the Lams. M is a Daddy's Boy. Which it hurts sometimes but I have learned to take advantage of that. So when he wants daddy I will either read, watch a recorded show or just take a bath. I won't lie and say that it doesn't hurt when he screams 'I don't like you!', 'I want daddy not you', or 'go away'... But I know it doesn't mean he loves me less or doesn't ever want to be with me. Daddy usually is the FIRST one to run into his room when he wakes up crying or if he falls daddy is the one right there.. and I am more the type of parent that says are you okay? and if i see no blood i don't baby him. Although if he needs to cuddle, hug or just want me by him - i will. But I want to try and make him independent and not rely on me to always make things better. that in life you need to learn that when you want something 'you' need to make it happen. not feel it's owed to you or that someone else will do it.

Now lately since D went on vacation there will be times that he actually wants me over D. It's nice to know that I am wanted but I do know that bond M and D share is still there. Which I am grateful for. It's important to me that they have time for themselves and share their special time together. Also, if we plan to ever have a second baby it will make our lives easier by trading kids off and not having both children wanting the same person.

Hello I am 30 something not 16..

where do i start??? i just semi-caught up with a friend and mark her up as still being in high school. she even admitted that she liked the high school drama and so on. my question is why???? i am 30-something and happily married (for the most part) with a baby and dog. I enjoy my time watching tv, playing with my son and/or my dog, and so on.

i was talking to her and she mentioned another mutual friend that she really hasn't talked to in awhile because she felt like the friendship was one sided. that she would listen to JJ's problems and whatever was going on with her. But then when C would talk about hers JJ would say i have to go. So I mentioned that i can understand because i just lost a friend for something similar. i don't need to deal with that 'high school' drama. she made a comment back to me that she liked high school drama and felt like a 16 year old. so as we talk some more all i could think about is... C hasn't changed really and do i want this in my life? i don't need anymore friends than i already have. the ones that i have mean the world to me and when i talk or spend time with you it's because i want to. i am taking time away from spending with my son to hang out with you. is she worth that? and the other thing in my head is that why would anyone want to re-live high school??? not that i regret anything but i never want to go through it.

New beginnings.. and my goals for the year

2 things i am grateful for....

1. For A taking the time to hang out and show me all the new things he has done to remodel his home. And for going out to dinner with me.

2. For my mom and sister - i love how they come over every thursdays... it's supposed to be where D and i can either do something together or separate.

I still don't have all my goals figured out:

1. I need to learn to just listen.... I need to learn to listen and not give unwanted advice. i am going to try and just not say anything unless asked what do i think... bite my tongue.

2. Appreciate all that i have and get out of the 'give mes'

3. Try and see friends more..

4. try to work out at least 3 times a week.

5. try to stick to my budget... i need to make a new one with M going to a new daycare and added amount.

6. Try to go on a family trip this year - need to make yearly ones.

7. Be nicer to D - I am so bad. I yell way too much at him when he tries so hard to make me happy.

8. Every night write down two things that i appreciate for the day.

9. Take 10 mins for myself every day..

10. Start reading again - 1 book a year..

11. Keep our home clean and redecorate the place to be what i really want.... But on a budget - need to watch design on a dime more.

12. Learn to just 'be'.... Relax, breathe and take everything in.

13. Get to know myself..... Learn what makes me really happy.

14.

15.

16.

17.

.......

I think that's enough for now.

Goodbye friend

since i am no longer talking to a friend i just feel the need to write to her.. but can't so here goes.

goodbye L - it was great while we were in tune with each other.. and i loved how we were always there for one another. and that we didn't need to say much to know how each other felt. i loved how we LOVED the same foods so when we'd go out it was so easy and we'd share food to get twice as much. ;-P or i knew i could order that mussel/clam pasta because you wouldn't let the stuff i didn't like go to waste. i loved spending endless hours on your couch watching tv and our breaks to either go to the bathroom (me down stairs and you in your bathroom) or to cook lunch/dinner... but knew when to fast forward the whatever parts so that we could get to the good stuff. :-D i loved that it was just easy with you. i loved how we could talk about anything!! you know what i mean - anything and EVERYTHING.. i loved how we used to drive to sb and my wedding/birthday present at the spa place that you researched and found for us. and knew it was exactly what i needed while planning my wedding.

i am sorry that our friendship fell apart over a boy. i am sorry that i realized things about you i never saw or choose to over look because you in my eyes were my sister. i forgave you a lot for little effort on your side to show that you were sorry. meanwhile S would try so hard but i just pushed that aside for you. i am sorry that you were trying to pretend things were okay with us this past year when they were only getting worse. i am sorry that you felt you could put little effort in our friendship when i tried EVERYTHING to mend for the past two years. even to the point of trying to work it out with your husband on my own because i felt nothing was getting to him.

but most importantly i am sad that we have come to where we are today. that i can care less that you are in my life. your little to no efforts just shows what kind of person you are. for me when someone says that things are not right between us and if i want to continue to be friends with them as you said.. i would fight for the friendship. i would call even if it's uncomfortable to see how the person is doing... i would call to get together for coffee.. i would try to celebrate your birthday with you. even if i wasn't here and back from vacation a month after. i would send emails to you to let you know i was thinking of you.. i would text you more. but you aren't me and by you not fighting just shows where we are. and that you are not a person to prove yourself further than words.. it's just all words coming out of your A$$... you have no actions to back up what you say. and of all people i would have expected more when you were the 'talk is talk - actions speak louder than words' person.

i will miss you once in awhile.. i will be watching something and want to call you but won't. i will eat something and most likely think of you. i won't lie and say that there will be some days that i do and will miss you. but we aren't teenagers anymore and definitely out of high school where i don't need drama. so for now goodbye. it was great while it was good. and i am just sorry that we have come to where we are. but you made your bed and you must lie in it. hope it was all worth it for you and that you got all that you wanted. because L i sure never wished this on us. and would never thought we'd be where we are today.

i just hope one day you'll see it through my eyes and know how much you've hurt me. and say sorry for the way things turned out.. and instead of you thinking can i forgive you and let go of the whole Michael thing.. that you'll say i am sorry how do you feel now after all that and sorry for not thinking of you when that all went down.

so goodbye L... too little too LATE.

The blahs...

lately i have been feeling grouchy and blah... i have been trying to figure out why?? maybe it's because i don't feel like i have a home... i stay at my mom's for half the week and the other i am 'home'... or is it that i feel that D is trying to understand what i am going through but can't fully since he gets to go home every night to our bed and wake up when he pleases or to his alarm. for the last 6 months i haven't had to set an alarm because the boss is constant on waking me up. i can't remember the last time i just woke up on my own. or i am feeling this way because the house feels messy to my standards but i am just exhausted from the week to clean up..??? and i just want to watch all my recorded shows and zone out on the bed. but the dirty bathrooms, messy pantry, cluttered kitchen and what the heck happened to our office/guest room is begging me to clean up. let alone me wishing i could spend the day doing whatever whenever on myself. and at the same time i know i will be wishing i could be with the boss and just cuddle with him watching a movie or exploring the world outside together.

how can i learn to balance work, family, time for myself and cleaning all at the same time? how can i feel better about life? i just feel that i should be contributing to the world. i don't feel that i am touching people that i have met, will meet or have in my life.. where they can smile when thinking about me. i feel the need to be a better person but how can i if i am in my 'blah' mood???? how the heck do i get out of this funk..

i also realize i am back into i need more and the latest thing. when i can't appreciate what i do have. i mean i am lucky because i still have my job. have a nice home. love my family - even with all the issues we all have. everyone for the most part are all healthy.

so here is what i am thinking...

1. need to work on making my home a home.. not a dorm room or a place that we are just there for the mean time.

2. try to be more helpful at work. understand that when people come to me for a question or help it's cuz they don't know how to do it. or that they have so much on their minds that they just need help. (it is my job)

3. not feel guilty that when i am home to relax when i am there and not feel i need to CLEAN!!

Wed - watch tv, wash clothes, put away and relax
thu - clean the bathrooms
fri - enjoy my family
sat - finish what i didn't do after putting mason to bed.

4. clean the office before the new year. i will just have to work something out with rei rei.. have her watch/play with mason while i clean the office.

5. make it a point to go out on dates with dave 1-2 times a month where it's just us..

6. try to be a better friend to sharon but hope she understands that i am not home everyday like her so i need time to just be. but make it a point to see her and just catch up. she is a great friend actually more than a friend a sister. and i love her and just want to do all i can to make her happy.

7. start living on a real budget! try to pay off my cc and save...

8. try to see more of my friends and balance that with time for myself.

9. each day i need to do 3 self-less acts of kindness... i used to do this with tigger but i need to start again.

more will be added to this list but i am starting to feel better already.. i LOVE my to do lists.. and it helps put things in perspective.

30 months..

I can't believe my little guy is 30 months old. Okay I don't normally write how many months he is since he turned 2.. I just say he's 2. But this kid has both positive and negative traits of D and I. He is strong minded, kind, loving, knows what he wants and when, and wakes up early. He knows that with daddy he gets whatever he wants and mommy is the 'mean' one. He is at a stage where he can have a real conversation with you. Not just yes and no. But real conversations! Okay maybe only 3 minutes at a time but that's better than nothing before he changes the subject.

Having a baby really does change you for the better. He makes me want to be the best mommy i can and sister, friend, wife and daughter.

Inspiring Picture

My brother in law sent me a really nice email along with this picture.. :-D It just made my day seeing this picture just relaxed me. I decided to use it as my screen saver so that i can remember to relax and take in the day and remember what my husband told me.

D used to be so much more relaxed when we meet up until maybe our son was born. But he told me about stuff going on at work and I said doesn't it bother you? He said no and 'why stress over things that you can't control'? So I am trying to take this on. When stuff happens and I am really annoyed I say why stress it's out of my control. And I actually feel better. I guess D can still teach me things.. After being together off and on for 9 years, 4 years of staying together to almost 5 years of marriage. He still surprises me and we still can have a great time together. So thanks D for helping put things into perspective.

What a friend..

Do you have a friend that just is so kind hearted.. that wouldn't hurt a fly? She is the one that is really good at keeping in contact? Well I do? And it is rare for me to have found a friend through work... B is really good at making sure to keep in contact with everyone.. Whether they are still working at the same company... on maternity leave or even with her on maternity leave.. And she makes motherhood look so easy. I know when i was on my leave i probably looked like a crazy lady but she looks great and put together - still. :-D I miss her like crazy cuz we used to either walk or go out to eat lunch together. try for at least once a week or so. And as luck would have it we finally work in the same building.

She is one person who doesn't judge me for all my craziness that i bring to the friendship.. From complaining about friends or family.. to just weird things that i have about me. She just let's things 'roll' off of her. There are a couple times i have seen her irritated so i don't feel like i am the only one with issues. but overall she just amazes me.

i hope to be 1/2 as relaxed as she is one day.

What a s&*tty present

Do you have a friend that re-gifts? Yes guilty as charged.. but at least when i do it it's to people outside of the circle that i get it from. ;-P So I am not wasting what was given to me - i don't have a use for it but someone else may... But I rather receive a gift because someone thinks i may want it even if they don't than this...

so the other day S and I went to Nordstroms to see if she could exchange her perfume that we got from a friend.... and found out that it was part of a gift set.. so now we find out that the one friend put no thought whatsoever into what to buy us (because it was the basically the same gift) but she bought the set for herself and gave us the scents she didn't want!!

i guess when you aren't happy with someone you see all the negatives in them more so then when you are okay with them.

can you say CRAP gift???

Repeat offender - strikes again...

WHY?? why must I tell you for the 20th time what you do and you sound surprised or like it's new.. at least do me the favor and say thanks for repeating that or i know i remember from the last time you said something... COME ON!!!

I honestly don't see this friendship lasting much longer.. Basically just waiting to see when she'll say forget it.

Baby here.. Baby there

Yes it seems that people are getting pregnant or are pregnant around me. So now I have the baby bug. I have been bite and would love to have a second.. Now if only I could get D on board.. ;-P

The Boss' 2nd Bday!!

Yes you read right.. My little man just turned two today. Time sure flies when you are having fun.. ;-P He is getting to be such a toddler. He now is into saying 'NO' and pointing his finger at you. Or 'cheers'. Just his 'i wuv you.... mommy' melts my heart. Or when I pick him up from daycare and he runs to me and gives me a big hug! Just makes all the bad in the world or day disappear and makes you smile. The feel the hope in the world.

Repeat offender

Do you have a friend that you have the same issue come up over and over? Well I have a friend like that in my life. Hoping that things will change and she'll learn. So for the 5th time in 2 years I have once again told her the issues that are bothering me between our friendship... Now mind you I didn't even get into all the things bothering me just mentioned a few. She made it seem like it's all new and that she'll just have to prove herself. Well I have learned that I am not going to expect anything and have lowered my expectations. I also have been working on not thinking this person as a close friend and that is helping me out also. My friend S has been helping me with this - not to say that I haven't vented. But we've all known each other for so long and have history together that I am not going to just throw the friendship away. Just learning that people grow apart and that's okay. The thing that's hard is that she took it as we 'love' her that much to feel this way.. No you are messing up lady and need to prove that you are a good friend. I just feel that she takes things in differently and not for what we are saying.. So how long can a person take this?